When Her Voice Becomes Thunder: Healing From Loud Love, Harsh Words & Shouting Homes

Some homes raise you with tenderness.
Some raise you with tension.
And some raise you with sound, the kind that stays in your body long after you’ve moved out.

For many African women, our earliest memories are tied to noise:
the shouting, the arguments, the quick temper, the silence that follows, the fear you swallow.
Not because our mothers hated us, but because that was the only language they knew for survival.

And yet, that loudness shapes a girl in ways she doesn’t even recognise until she becomes a woman.

The Truth About Loud Love

There’s a type of love that is real but rough.
A love that protects you but also wounds you.
A love that means well but doesn’t always know how to express itself in a gentle way.

Many mothers loved loudly because:

• they were overwhelmed
• they carried wounds from their own mothers
• they were desperate for control
• they had no room to rest
• no one taught them emotional softness
• the world demanded strength from them, not tenderness

Their voices weren’t just voices
they were years of survival spilling out without filter.

How Loud Childhoods Shape Grown Women

Growing up in a shouting home can turn you into an adult who:

• flinches at raised voices
• becomes anxious when people are angry
• over-explains yourself to avoid conflict
• feels responsible for other people’s emotions
• keeps the peace even when it costs your dignity
• apologises just to end tension
• struggles to trust softness
• repeats the same loudness or avoids confrontation completely

It’s not because you’re weak.
It’s because the child inside you still remembers the sound of thunder.

My Own Awakening

I didn’t realise how deeply that loudness shaped me until I started healing.

There were moments I would hear a tone, a sigh, a shift in someone’s voice — and my whole body would tense.
Not because of what they said, but because of what I was trained to expect.

I recognised how much of my adulthood was built on childhood defence.
How many decisions were made from fear.
How many times I kept quiet to avoid tension.
How many times I played “the strong one” to keep peace.

Healing didn’t begin when I forgave.
It began when I understood.

Understanding Changes Everything

When you understand that your mother’s loudness was not personal but historical
something in your heart softens.

You begin to see:

• she was overwhelmed
• she didn’t know rest
• she carried her own fears
• she was never taught emotional safety
• she survived more than she ever shared
• she raised you with the tools she had, not the tools she needed

Understanding doesn’t excuse the pain.
It simply releases you from blaming yourself.

How to Heal From Loud Love

Healing this wound is gentle work.
It requires patience with yourself and compassion for the girl you used to be.

Here are simple ways to start:

1. Name the experiences you’ve been avoiding
Gently say: “That was not normal, and it affected me.”

2. Let your body release what it has been holding
Cry if you need to. Shake. Breathe deeply.
Your body has carried the noise for years.

3. Learn the language of softness
Speak kindly to yourself.
Slow down your reactions.
Practice gentle self-talk.

4. Create emotional boundaries
You’re not responsible for calming other people’s storms.

5. Understand without romanticising
You can love your mother and still acknowledge that her methods hurt you.

6. Invite God into the places where noise lives
Ask for peace where fear used to live.
Ask for clarity where confusion sat.
Ask for healing where shouting built walls in your heart.

A Gentle Prayer for Anyone Healing This Wound

Lord, teach my heart a softer language.
Heal the places noise has lived for too long.
Show me how to love without fear,
speak without trembling,
and build a life where peace is normal.
Teach me to honour the woman who raised me,
while becoming the woman You are shaping me to be.

You Are Allowed to Be Different

You don’t have to repeat what you experienced.
You don’t have to shout to be heard.
You don’t have to fear disagreement.
You don’t have to carry the emotional storms of others.

You can choose a new pattern.
You can choose softness without feeling weak.
You can choose calmness without feeling threatened.
You can choose gentleness without feeling foolish.

For Every Woman Who Grew Up With Loud Love

Your heart deserves peace.
Your body deserves rest.
Your spirit deserves softness.
Your home deserves quiet joy.
Your future children deserve calmness.
You deserve safety.

You are healing.
You are rising.
You are learning a new way to be loved and to love.

And this time, it won’t sound like thunder.
It will sound like peace.